God Is Enough

It’s been so long since I blogged, I’m surprised I still remember how to type (typing is not necessary for playing Zuma on Facebook).  Actually, I think that I have just been unable to express my circumstances or feelings since the beginning of this year.  All of my efforts and energy have been focused on just holding myself together.  And who wants to let people in to see all of the messy details of living the unexpected in life.  But, I am so over keeping it all inside.  I am so sick of secrecy when I myself am an open book.  Want to know something about me?  Ask.  And, if it’s regarding an opinion… chances are pretty good that I’m going to share my opinion even if you don’t ask. J

But, right now I am struggling.  Almost a month ago, I had the worst experience of my life.  At 16 wks pregnant, my water broke- with no warning – in the middle of the night.  I barely made it to the bathroom before Stella was born.  There was absolutely nothing that anyone could have done to save her.  It was just too early.  I’ve done things I never imagined I would have to.  My midwife walked me through cutting the umbilical cord and delivering the placenta in my own bathroom.  What no one tells you about when a baby is still-born… is that you have to figure out what to do with the baby’s body.  I can’t tell you how excruciating it was to try to make the “right” decision in the middle of all of that, when there are so few options.   I had no idea that most funeral homes have policies about babies… apparently 20 wks is the cut off (at least the places I checked) for having death-services performed.  It seems that no one quite knows what to do in these specific circumstances, and I just wanted someone to take me by the hand and say “This is the way.  This is what is done.”  I really didn’t want to have to blaze that trail for myself.

Yesterday, I had the second worst experience of my life.  It’s a long story that is still way too painful, but suffice it to say that I learned that my husband has broken our marriage vows.  You know, on one hand that seems so personal to admit.  I’m so embarrassed.  And yet, I’m so SO tired of the secrets.  They have made the worst time in my life just a little worse.  Ok, a lot worse. 

And God has been quiet with me.  Usually, I can go into my prayer closet and come out with clarity.  I can be face down on the floor, crying out to him and he always answers.  But, last night I was searching for answers and I heard silence.  I didn’t “feel” what He wanted me to do.  I wasn’t feeling led to pack up and leave, but I wasn’t feeling led that I should try to work this out any longer.  (This wasn’t the first occurrence.  We’ve been through this, and recovered, before.)  I was really beginning to think that maybe God was ok with whatever decision I made.  Maybe he understood my pain and exactly what I would be going through to go back through therapy and try to solve problems that I have lived believing were solved long ago, and He was leaving the decision up to me.

But, as I was praying and crying out to him again this morning at one point I said “I trust you, God.  You are enough.” And I stopped because I realized that was the conclusion that he had been waiting for me to reach.  Regardless of whether I leave, or I stay… God is enough.  He will get me through.  This is all temporary and I need to keep my focus on Him.  And then I said “I just want YOU to be glorified through this in some way.” And I can’t think of any way that He can be glorified through me leaving at this time.  I’m not promising that everything is going to be ok, or that it won’t end in divorce if things don’t change… but, I can’t think of that right now.  I just have to concentrate on being obedient in the moment, and God will lead me to where I need to be.

And still I wonder if I’m not “getting it”.  I’ve always admired people who were able to lift their hands and praise God with joy in the midst of pain.  People have endured way worse than me and they’re still able to maintain that joy.  Does it count, when I don’t FEEL the joy in the moment, if I still lift my hands and praise Him?  Does it count if I trust Him implicitly with the outcome… but still worry about what the process of getting to the outcome will be?  Because I just don’t know.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps 73:25-26. God is enough.